Monday, June 02, 2008
Man, it's almost 2am and I'm wide awake....I got outta bed walked to the window, I stared out for a minute or two. As I'm lookin' out the window I see two rats the size of small cats run down the sidewalk.....funny how it doesn't faze me anymore.
Wow, it's crazy how much I've really changed in the last 3 years.
I was thinkin' about the things that have happened to me....the horrible things....the wonderful things, but mostly the horrible. Man, I really am such a different person. I started to think about the people who are witness to this change in me and, strange enough, none of them are family.
Over the last 3 years I have had life defining moments that have changed who I am today and how I really look at life. I thought about that and I realized that if you asked my family about me they might only be able to tell you the basic things. That kinda makes me sad.
For the time that I've been here I've struggled with this, for a while I tried to make them keep up with my life, sometimes fished for responses with the slightest glimmer of pride in me.
I think I finally got it, it doesn't matter.
My husband is proud of me, I'm proud of myself and I know God is proud of me, that's all that matters. As hard as it has been, these last 3 years, I thank GOD for what He's brought me through! I now see, He has made me confident, fearless, strong, determined, inspired....
I found a confidence in myself I never had before, I actually go up to people I don't know and make conversation, I was always afraid to do that! I lost such a close, dear friend and surprisingly, I'm finding the strength to get past the depression and pain. I make myself get outta bed everyday!
God reminded me of my dreams and passion to sing and gave me this determination to not give up and He gives me the inspiration to keep writing and to make it into something great!
A prophet once told me when I was a teenager that I never had problems knowing who I am, he was right, but let me tell you, I feel like I have a sense of who I am far more than I ever had in my entire life!
So I'm sittin' here at 2am and I praise God for this revelation....maybe now I will be able to sleep.