Monday, January 30, 2012

Just when you're ready to give up...

This past weekend God really lavished His love on me, I felt so loved, so special.
But let me go back.

For the past few weeks I've been trying to juggle home, kids, church/serving. The past week I started to really struggle with the thought that maybe I wasn't really supposed to be doing worship, that maybe I wasn't really called to this, maybe I was just trying to make something happen on my own. I mean, wouldn't it be easier if it WAS meant to be? ( So I came up with the plan to quit and sell my keyboard. Why? Because I wouldn't need it anymore if I quit, right? (this is my thought process).
So that was it, I made my decision.

This all happened at the beginning/middle of the week. Well the weekend comes around and I get a message from a friend in another state. "I really believe in your gifts and talents. I really felt God prompting me to say that to you." Well, of course, I knew why he was telling me that. So I told him about all I was thinking, he scolded me then encouraged me. (as a friend should).
After that, I was feeling so much better about the whole situation, my spirits were lifted, life was great.
So this weekend, I'm at a gathering with friends, we're just hanging out enjoying our time. At the end of the night we're sitting there talking and this guy starts asking me questions about serving and how we make it work with three kids. (He doesn't know me, we just met)
I said it's a combination of grace and juggling things, we just do it because that's where our hearts are. We love to serve and we love community, you build community and relationships through getting involved.
He starts telling me that I have been struggling, feeling unused and unseen (so true!), that I feel like I do something amazing but no one sees, no one's there to pat me on the back. He said he saw a stadium and I was hitting balls out of the park but there was no one in the seats, but there were angels in the seats instead. He said, you ARE being seen, God has you in the place to teach you patience (of course!). He said, when He puts you in that place, when you are begin to minister, you won't just be a mom. He said, don't take that the wrong way, it's a blessing to be a mom, but when you're ministering, you won't be a mom.
This is the thing that threw me the most, because that has been something I've never told anyone, I've only said a few times to my husband, but it's been something constant that I have said as a whine even, to the Lord, "God, I don't just want to be a mom! I want to be more than that!"
He answered me.

You know the conversations that you have with the Lord? The ones that are just ramblings, complaints, desires. You're sharing the things you want or don't want. That was what that was for me, He answered me. He showed Himself twice, to make sure I know that He cares for me, He cares about my heart! That's amazing to me!

The next morning, getting ready for church, I got another message from a friend. She told me that she had a dream that I was worshiping with a beautiful song, that I was singing my love for the Lord and I was worshiping with the angels.

I went to church just contemplating all that had been said. It was during worship, they were singing about the faithfulness a God, I became completely WRECKED!
Everything became clear. He loves me so much that He showed me multiple times through other people. He cares about the desires of my heart to the point that He will not let me give up on them! He wants me to know that He loves me, even when I'm being selfish or lazy or stubborn.

He is THE most amazing God who is so faithful, so true to the promises He has given!
I am undone by His love!

Just when your ready to give up, He will come in and prove His love and faithfulness in every way possible!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Starting over

Starting over is SO hard! Not just moving to a new place but everything.

We moved from NY to Texas and not only do we have to deal with culture shock, (which I'm STILL dealing with btw) but you have the whole, "new community, new friends, new church" thing.

I think the thing that I'm dealing with the most is missing the people who just KNOW me. With your friends you don't have to explain yourself. They've seen you, spent time with you, just, done life with you.
I know, I know, that stuff takes time, but the time can be painful.

I find myself amongst new friends, having a blast and then you hit awkward silences, random comments and so on, that wouldn't happen with people who KNOW you. I just wanna scream, "Can we just get to the comfortable stage already?!?".

Maybe this happens to everyone that starts over, maybe I'm extremely impatient or maybe it's all me! Haha!

All I can do is keep being myself and pray everything fits the way it's supposed to. And friend Tara moves to Texas! Haha!